Enough with the silence, let's talk about mental heath.

Mental health is one of those topics that we know we should talk about, yet about which we hardly have open and honest conversations. Recently however, mental health advocacy has been on the rise, or at least it has become more publically noticeable. Despite this, conversations addressing mental health still evoke feelings of discomfort and as such, mental health is still commonly shoved under the avoidance rug.

So, I’ve decided to do something I would not ordinarily do. As the heading suggests, I’m going to speak candidly with you. I am going to share my experience with mental health throughout this year with the hope of encouraging you to engage with me and with others on this topic and on future discussion topics to follow.

About one or two months ago, I realised that I was in desperate need of help. I had been dealing with depression for some time, how long exactly I am not sure. For a while it was manageable, despite life seeming perpetually mundane, I still maintained a sense of motivation which got me through my daily endeavours. Somewhere along the line however I lost grip of my motivation and it suddenly seemed as though the world was collapsing around me, as cliché as that may seem. I was gripped by anxiety at the thought of leaving my apartment to go to campus and was far too exhausted to get out bed in the morning. I was missing class at least once a week at first, after which my absenteeism progressively increased and I was missing about an entire week of university.

I’m a highly introspective person, so at some stage into my depression I started realising that my outlook on life had changed dramatically. Despite exercising four to six days a week and eating healthily, I was fatigued. In addition to this I was constantly emotionally drained and became really anxious when I had to engage with people. When I realised all the mental changes which had been accumulating over the past months, I suspected that I was mildly depressed and that I needed to seek help. I spoke to my mom about it, which was incredibly difficult for me to do. I was afraid of being vulnerable and not being able to hold myself together in front of her, but I knew it was the only way to start recovering.

Fast-forward about three weeks: I had started seeing a therapist and was at the absolute lowest point I have ever been in my life. Everything was extremely overwhelming, and I feared I was slipping into major depression. My therapist confirmed for me that I was mildly depressed at the time and that I was also suffering from social anxiety. No major epiphany, I had pretty much figured this out myself. It’s been about one or two months now that I’ve been in therapy and it has helped me tremendously. My therapist has helped to pick up negative habits which trigger my depression and how to manage them. I would say that I’m not depressed anymore, and I thank God for that. But there are some days when I feel like it’s creeping back, and that I would rather stay in my bed the whole day instead of facing life. But on those days, I call my mom and she helps me through it. We have always been close, my mom and I, but since opening up to her about my mental health I feel that we have grown so much closer and that is something for which I am also so grateful.

I don’t want it to seem as though I am glorifying depression, because it really is a monstrous thing for anyone to deal with. However, I have learned a lot about myself as a result of my depressive episode. I still have moments in which I feel utterly shattered, but in those moments when I feel like my normal self, which I have been experiencing increasingly frequently these past two months, I can objectively reflect on the strength I have gained from having to piece myself back together. I have a stronger sense of self-awareness, which will serve to my benefit as life becomes more challenging into the future. I have opened myself up to my parents, who are an incredible support system. So despite the challenge I have faced and still continue to face, I have gained in so many ways from battling depression.

I want to make it clear that I’m not sharing this for anyone to throw me a pity party. This is not an outcry for sympathy, instead it’s a display of openness. I am hoping that my honesty will encourage someone who is feeling mentally unwell, and who feels that they have to deal with it alone, to speak to somebody about it. Asking for help does not make you weak, or needy. Talking about your feelings and mental state does not make you burdensome. This is a lesson which I have had to learn, and which has helped me tremendously. As a society we need to unlearn our collective aversion from talking about things which make us uncomfortable. Discussions such as this have the potential to save lives. Let’s be open to unlearning regressive social patterns and learn to progress towards openness, honesty and collective support.

Love and light

Tshepang Pooe 

#mentalhealth #depression #anxiety #support #therapy